[I] was just talking about this earlier how voice modulation, presentation of task, and a parent’s consistency in following through in what they say is key . Usually it’s the dad’s voice that kids get up and run to. But women usually are the more babying, nurturing ones and the ones who simply do not follow through because our baby is “just a baby” or because our heart breaks when they cry. Meanwhile daddies know that the child needs discipline, and don’t feel as sensitive and quick to accept disrespect . Not all family dynamics are the same. [For] Some it’s the opposite roles. That’s why sometimes you hear of kids having daddy wrapped around their finger. As a single mom I had to learn how to modulate my voice from caring nurturing protective kisser of boo boos to if you don’t listen there will be consequences . So now where I used to feel the need to ask my ex to “handle” it when I wasn’t being heard, I’m the one they get when they need them to listen.
I was nervous during both pregnancies. Both times I was nervous because this is another life that solely depends on you. These little people are the only people to hear your heart beat from the inside and love you unconditionally; no matter your flaws or how others feel about you, you will always be your child’s hero as long as you do what you’re supposed to do.
FULL STORY COMING SOON!
This gave me absolute chills. We need to break the cycle and make Black Fatherhood a norm.
I can’t tell if I’m repeating the sins of my father because I’ve never seen his sins in person. I wonder how differently I would have turned out with his influence? Do I have the will in me to leave something I care about behind? Is abandonment embedded in my DNA? Is it a dormant beast waiting to be unleashed? Or have I already beaten these sane-less urges. Twenty-seven years in and I haven’t left too many shattered hearts behind. And those I might have, I know for a fact have mended.
Would he have held me back from my potential if he was around? Or is he holding me back by not being here? I usually take his absence as encouragement to be better than the thing that was never there. I’m essentially working with a clean slate; a blank sheet for my own blueprint. But still, a slight muse would have been amusing.
Name: Phylicia Gomez
Year you graduated high school: 2004
Year you found out you were pregnant: 2006
Number of children: 2
The Uh Oh Moment: I found out I was pregnant when I returned home from Daytona, spring break April 7th, 2006. I was 18. Back then I still lived with my parents but I was home alone.
I was at home watching “Crash” and I couldn’t stop crying. I was like, Why am I so damn sensitive right now???! Maybe my period is coming. Then I was like, Well my last period was February 17th. If it was coming it should’ve been here by now…. So after the movie went off I walked to the 99 cent store. I got the test, went upstairs, and took it. I was thinking If I’m pregnant, I guess I’ll schedule my appointment for my termination tomorrow.
Three minutes later I looked at the test and there were 2 lines; one very faint, but 2 lines. My heart skipped a couple of beats. I didn’t cry…I didn’t smile…I wasn’t sad…I wasn’t happy…I just put my coat on and went to the emergency room. They gave me a urine test and it was negative! But then they said they’re going to do an ultrasound just to confirm that I’m not pregnant.
The Mom Moment: As soon as the ultrasound began, there it was; Mickaylah’s strong, 7-week old, 150 bpm heartbeat. I knew then that no matter what anybody said I was going to be a mommy in 9 months. I became a mom at 4:49pm on November 17, 2006.
***Any man can be a father. It takes a real man to be a dad.***
Father/Dad: My first thought was, “Who is this kid’s father???” I had a boyfriend but I had recently cheated on him and I was unsure. I wish I could say I didn’t know any better, but I was 18, I knew exactly what I was doing. I just didn’t care. But I’m still with him as of today. He forgave me and we have grown up together. That was almost 10 years ago.
The first thing [the other guy] said to me was congrats to you and your boyfriend! He was my friend. We had sex one time and I got pregnant. Then I told my boyfriend. He told me he wasn’t ready and that I should terminate my pregnancy! But I decided to continue my pregnancy and for the whole time I was alone because not long after finding out I was pregnant, they both got arrested and had to serve time in jail.
My boyfriend was released in December right after Mikaylah was born. Her father is currently still serving time. I spent most of my pregnancy back and forth to Rikers Island. So my daughter now has a father and a daddy. My boyfriend and I are still together. He cares for Mikaylah like his own. Her father is being the best father he can be from where he is, but his situation prevents him from being her daddy.
Them vs. You: My father is very family oriented I try to do family activities with my family as often as possible.
I’m a lot like my mom in many ways!!!!!! She is the best mother I could ever ask for, but she was very young raising me and my sister. She was passive and let us do whatever we wanted as long as we did well in school. After school extracurricular activities were our decision. Growing up we had no bedtime, we could dance how we wanted, listen to whatever kind of music we chose, and watched what we wanted.
I try to limit my daughter’s “Nicki Minaj” intake and keep her involved in different clubs because I feel like as long as she’s busy doing things, she won’t be able to be pregnant by 18 like me and my sister were.
My father told me that having this baby was going to be the worst decision I could ever make. He told me I wouldn’t finish school and that I’d be a bad mother because I’d have no education. This conversation happened when I was 7 weeks. The next time I saw or spoke to him, I was 9 months pregnant. I didn’t speak to my father during my whole pregnancy.
I knew what he said was wrong. I was always a motivated girl. I knew I was going to be a great mom! So his words didn’t really affect my confidence.
Fearful moment: My scariest moment was when my daughter drank perfume!!!!!! She had poured it in a cup and drank it! I was too scared to take her to the hospital thinking they would open an ACS case on me so I dealt with her at home. I never took my eyes off that girl again!!!!
My lowest moment as a parent was in 2011. I was pregnant again and I’d found out that my unborn child was very sick when I was about 5 months pregnant. She died intrauterine. I was depressed for months after the death of my baby and I wouldn’t even talk to my big daughter. I felt like I was dead with a heartbeat. It was the worst time of my life. And I completely shut my daughter out of my life during those months. I’ll never forgive myself for treating her the way I did.
Fearless moment: Her first step; she would only walk if you had food for her. She was such a greedy little girl.
Support system: I was the first of all my friends to have a baby.
All of my friends were shocked. My best friend Stephanie was happy to find out she wasn’t the reason I couldn’t really enjoy our Daytona trip.
All of my friends are still around. We’ve all grown up and we try to make time for each other as often as possible. My biggest support system since my daughter was born has been my mom and my step dad. They’ve been there for us since day one!
I find my strength in my babies. I know that they need me to be the best mommy I can be. Oh and caffeine……LOTS OF CAFFEINE!!!
Final thoughts: Being a mom is the hardest job in the world!!!!!! There are no days off, but it’s the only job I’ll do happily for the rest of my life!!!!!!! The love I have in my heart for Mickaylah, Mason, and my angel Maeci is incredible! It’s like, how could you love somebody else more than you love yourself?? I do it every day and it’s a wonderful feeling. I wouldn’t change it for the world!!!!!